Today while doing/procrastinating from my homework, I’ve been listening a lot to “Labor of Love” from the STAR TREK (2009) movie score. This is because I woke up with it playing in my head–that exact song and scene on loop every time I closed my eyes–even though I haven’t watched STAR TREK in probably half a year.
It’s a sad but beautiful song, so I decided I might as well listen to it for real. But I finally just now, after an entire day of having it on in the background, realized why it resonates so much with me: It’s a song about surrendering something very important to you for something even more important.
I don’t really want to go into the details today, although maybe I will in a couple months once everything is definite and past and a layer of dust has settled over it all so it’s not quite as raw. But I did want you to know that I’m going through something noveling-related right now that feels a lot like this song. And while it’s hard, extremely hard, I know that the decisions I’m making today will be better for me in the long run. Even though they hurt right now, these are choices I can recover from, while the others lead to something that I would never forgive myself for.
Sometimes the easiest and hardest things can be the same for different reasons.
I haven’t been posting on social media as much lately, or talking to people as much in general, because I’ve been letting this Thing crowd out everything else in my life. I’ve been so focused on it, it’s become difficult to see the world through any other lens. And I’m sorry for doing that. I’m missing out on life–books and beautiful weather and friends–by doing that.
No more. For all I’ve thought about letting go, surrendering, it’s time I actually just did it.
Here is me saying goodbye to one smaller dream in order to allow myself to keep chasing a bigger one. Here is me committing a Labor of Love (gosh, that’s such a bad pun in the context of the movie).
Here is me saying that I love and believe in myself enough to let it go.
I’m not saying it’s going to be easy from here on out, but maybe it’ll at least be easier. And that’s something I really, really want right now. That’s something I’m willing to work for.
I’m sorry if you can’t follow much of this–I know I’m being cryptic. But thank you, again and again and again, for all the support. I wouldn’t be able to do any of the wonderful things I get to do without you. And while I’ve hit a bit of a roadblock recently, that’s not to say that this is an end of any sort, except maybe the end of a chapter–a single, really lovely adventure–on my way to bigger and better noveling-related things.
There’s a difference between giving up and letting go. Today I’m doing the latter, with “Labor of Love” as my soundtrack–something sad but beautiful. Very, very beautiful.