How to Not Be Sick

Is everyone around you getting sick? Whether it’s allergies or the plague, we’ve all been there. Here’s how to avoid coming down with the ailment of the week.

Step One: Take so many anti-sick things your body becomes a fortress of health only the boldest of bacteria could breach.

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Say hello to my little friends.

Step Two: Lead an active and healthy lifestyle, because what doesn’t kill ya kills the germs.

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Baguette is healthy, right?

Step Three: Get at least seven hours of sleep a day. (I’d say a “night,” but let’s be honest, I nodded off multiple times during lectures this week and you had better bet I’m counting those accidental naps towards my total.)

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Text books make good pillows.

Step Four: Avoid stress. Lolol jk college.

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This is a book of horrors.

Step Five: Resolve yourself to the fact that at some point, no matter what you do, you’re going to get sick anyway.

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Helping Kleenex earn more since ’94.

If you aren’t feeling well either right now, I hope you get better soon.

In the meantime, my allergies and I have a date with decongestant.

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We met at Walgreens and it was love at first sight.

‘Laterz.

~Julia

How to Procrastinate from Writing a Blog Post

Step 1: Have ideas for blog posts all week, but simultaneously not have time to write and forget said ideas the moment you do.

WIN_20141206_145357Step 2: Eat lots of junk food that makes your fingers all nasty so you can’t possibly type without punishing your laptop both cruelly and (not at all) unusually.

WIN_20141206_145514Step 3: Watch a Parks & Recreation marathon with your roommate. Then keep watching after she leaves to do productive things.

WIN_20141206_144301Step 4: Work on your latest term paper. (Haha jk eat more Cheetos.)

WIN_20141206_145536Step 5: Make weird faces until you’re really tired of until it no longer seems reasonable to keep making weird faces.

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Bonus points if someone walks in on you doing this.

Plot Twist: By sharing tips for how to procrastinate writing a blog post, write a blog post. (High five.)

~Julia

How To: Halloween the Lazy Lit Lover’s Way

I think the title says it all. Here are different literary-themed costumes for all you lit lovers out there who just really don’t feel like going to the effort this year.

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Harry Potter

1. Ravenclaw

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2. Umbridge

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3. Ron Weasley

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*****

The Great Gatsby

1. Gatsby and his Lovely Green Light

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2. Daisy

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3. Flapper

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*****

Divergent Trilogy

1. Tris

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2. Tori

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3. An Amity

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*****

Twilight

1. Edward

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2. Happy Bella

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3. Sad Bella

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4. Contemplative Bella

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*****

Other Random Books

1. Jack and the Beanstalk: Jack. And the Beanstalk.

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2. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe: Aslan

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3. The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: Shadowhunter

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4. Fahrenheit 451: Fireman

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5. Little Women: Jo

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6. If I Stay: Mia

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7. The Hunger Games: Catnip Evergreen

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8. Around the World in Eighty Days: The World

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Great costumes, right? (If anything, I think this just proves I don’t know how to spend my free time.)

Happy Halloween! Are you dressing up this year/did you? What as? Are you participating in National Novel Writing Month?

~Julia

How To Be Productive

Step 1: Eat lots of whatever semi-nasty food you can find in your dorm room and prepare using a microwave. Or just eat it cold. Whatever works. Tell yourself eating will help with brainpower and all that. Because popcorn and ice cream and potato chips TOTALLY do, I swear. (Ish.)

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Step 2: Stare longingly at ModCloth for hours on end, lamenting the fact that you spend far too much time procrastinating from doing your homework to have enough time to get one of those crazy “real” jobs that might just lead to having enough money to actually buy a closet-full of ModCloth clothes like you dream about. (Boom. Here. You’re welcome.)

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Step 3: After fifteen minutes working, say you need a break to clear your head, and spend the next four hours watching Doctor Who instead.

Snapshot_20130925_16Bonus points if you spend five minutes trying to put this sort of webcam shot together. Because yeah. THAT’S worth it.

 

Step 4: Check Facebook every five minutes to make sure the sky hasn’t fallen while you were busy staring at that blank Word document that supposedly will metamorphose into a Spanish essay sometime hopefully very, very soon. (Please. Soon. I’ll pay you in stale Cheetos, dear Mystical Spanish Essay Writing Gods.)

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Step 5: Write a blog post about being productive instead of actually being productive. (I’ve got 99 problems and “actually just sitting down and doing my homework tonight” is definitely one of them.)

Snapshot_20130925_8 #Deuces

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Hopefully your evening is going a heck of a lot more productively than mine is. (Although if you just took the time to read this post, I highly doubt it. Go do your homework. Now. SCOOT.)

Yay for already counting down to the end of the semester when it’s only September!

~Julia

How to Tell If You’re Too Pale

This time of year, it seems like everyone’s getting a tan. Whether from going on trips to places like Florida and the Bahamas, or just from playing sports outside, everybody seems to have a little more color on them than they did during those drab winter months when the entire population of the world looked more or less the same. But what are you to do if you’re an antisocial Youtube/Netflix-addict, reader/video game-player, insane person/college-student?

I give you: A guide to telling if you are, indeed, too pale.

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Step 1: Make sure you’re not a vampire by taking a picture of yourself acting like a vampire. After taking said picture, consult the following list:

a) Do you look silly?

b) Do you not have a thousand million attractive teenagers fighting over you?

c) Do you actually freaking show up in the picture, seeing as vampires can’t? (Good job screwing THAT one up, Twilight!)

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If any or all of the above are true, then good. You’re not a vampire.

Step 2: Take a picture with a window in front of you, thus showering you with a bevy of natural light. If the only two features that show up on your face are your eyes, there’s a good chance you are too pale. (Also: that whitening toothpaste must finally be doing its job.)

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Step 3: Take a picture a good deal away from the window. If the majority of your skin appears to be glowing, you are probably too pale (and still not a vampire–they sparkle, remember?)

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Step 4: Take a picture as far away from the window as you can. If your skin appears to be almost as white as your teeth, then you are most definitely too pale (unless, of course, that whitening toothpaste isn’t working so hot after all).

Snapshot_20130417_5This is an especially awkward selfie. I apologize.

Step 5: Angst about being too pale.

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Step 6: Go read a book (preferably about pale people, so you don’t feel so alone).

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~Julia

Bonus Post: How to Study for Finals

Step 1: Start out confident.

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Step 2: Realize you can’t remember a single thing you learned at the beginning of the semester anymore, and the rest of it is just sort of a haze of why-am-I-not-sleeping-right-now and when-are-we-actually-going-to-need-to-know-this-(oh-crap-I-forgot-about-finals).

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Step 3: Make a face like a pirate in hopes of scaring your notes into making more sense.

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Step 4: When that doesn’t work, make a face like a lost puppy instead, in hopes of depressing your notes into taking pity on you, and thus making more sense.

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Step 5: Take a nap.

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If you’ve got final exams coming up: Good luck! I’m rooting for you not to fall flat on your face like I’m probably going to.

If you don’t: Run.

Talk to you Wednesday!

~Julia

PS. I’m serious. Run. Run, Forrest, Run–save yourself while you still can, because, “The finals are coming! The finals are coming!” AHHHHH.

Bonus Post: How to Eat a Pancake

… With your host, Julia Byers!

Step 1: Put the entire pancake on your fork, and shove as much of it as possible into your mouth.

Step 2: Fail at shoving it all in your mouth the first time, SO TRY DOING IT AGAIN IN HOPES OF GETTING DIFFERENT RESULTS!!! (Chances are, your mouth has randomly and exponentially increased in size during this time in expectation of the pancake, so this is totally a possibility. Totally.)

Step 3: Manage to shove the greater part of the pancake into your mouth. Five points if you do this without choking yourself.

But ten points if you do choke yourself!

Step 4: Enjoy the wonder that is the pancake! Truly, a gift from the Lord above! So buttery and greasy and unhealthy and DELICIOUS!

Step 5: Look like a chipmunk with its entire winter stash crammed in its cheeks while you attempt to chew the pancake. (Don’t worry about getting weird looks from your roommate/family/that stranger across the street–everybody loves chipmunks, so this is perfectly acceptable dining behavior!)

Step 6: Don’t cry because you no longer have a pancake to enjoy. Smile because you once did. And because there’s another one on your plate.

… Come back tomorrow for Julia’s next challenge: How to Pet a Porcupine! (I’m kidding. I live in Michigan. There are no porcupines here.)

In other news, this is what I’m doing right now. Hence my boredom:

(Somebody walked in while I was taking this picture. No shame.)

See you on Wednesday! (Unless I have to do laundry again, in which case I might just find a porcupine to pet after all.)

~Julia

Five Steps to Being Amazed

Step 1: Drive five and a half hours to Chicago after not having driven in over a month, through rain and snow and hail and wind. Don’t make a single stop while doing this, between home and the city.

Step 2: Bask in the fact that you’re still alive.

Step 3: Go to your cousin’s high school show choir competition (which is why you drove to Chicago) and realize that:

  • a) High school show choir really is like Glee, believe it or not. (Well, the performances are any way. There’s probably way less drama in real life.)
  • b) High school show choir makes high school theatre look like a piece of cake. (Also Known As: Show choir would totally whip your butt into shape, and as a certified member of the Sit-on-the-Couch-All-Day committee, theatre’s suddenly looking a whole lot easier.)

Step 4: Get to the hotel you’re hosting an event at this summer (yes, all you WIC’ers — I’m totally at the WIC hotel right now!) and decide that it’s the most beautiful hotel you’ve ever seen, namely because the pool is the temperature of bathwater and there’s a way to — thank God — hook up your laptop to the room TV, meaning that the TV can be used like a giant computer monitor. Which saves a WHOLE LOT OF TROUBLE.

Step 5: Sleep all the way coming back home from Chicago, for five and a half hours through rain and snow and hail and wind, with a deliciously full stomach after eating at one of your favorite Chicago-area restaurants. (Bliss. 🙂 )

~Julia

Wordy Wednesday (“Troy [Friday Parody]”)

The process of eating a mango in Costa Rica (learned on my church mission trip there over the summer):

1. After completing the easy tasks of first locating a mango tree, followed by knocking a mango out of it, followed by grabbing the mango from the ground before the leaf cutter ants do (perhaps the hardest part of this entire first step — they’re known to frighten us Norteamericanos off), proceed to peel it open.

2. Once you have successfully peeled your mango, attempt to take a bite out of it without getting too many of its fibers stuck in your teeth or like looking like too much of a tonta idiot.

3. OM NOM NOM that mango!!

(Fotos tomadas por mi madre.)

4. Decide it’s much easier (and far less sticky) just to eat mango ice cream like a regular person.

(Photo copyright Haagendazs.)

In other news, here’s your Wordy Wednesday writing! 🙂 This is a song I wrote for mythology class this semester, parodying “Friday” by Rebecca Black. Enjoy… *ominous music as scene fades to black*

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VERSE1
It’s year one, making up excuses
Gotta be free, don’t wanna fight this war
Gotta have my mind if I’m gonna act insane
They’re seeing everything, I can’t plow my son
Getting on the boat, but that north wind’s blowing
We’ve gotta sacrifice Iphigenia
Gotta catch Paris, I see the Trojans

Fighting with the Trojans
Arguing with the Greeks
Gotta win this war
Which side should I take?

CHORUS
It’s Troy, Troy
Gotta make war on Troy
Gotta go and rescue Helen, Helen
Troy, Troy
Gotta make war on Troy
We’ve gotta go and rescue Helen

Fighting with Agamemnon/Achilles/Odysseus (yeah!)
Fighting with Agamemnon/Achilles/Odysseus (yeah!)
Kill, kill, kill, kill
Gotta go and rescue Helen

VERSE2
It’s the middle of the war
And we got another god mad
Agamemnon’s gotta give his girl back
Now he’s taking Achilles’s, ’cause he’s a jerk
Plan, plan, plan about war
Thetis just has to have the last word
Gotta defeat the Trojans, but Achilles won’t fight

Fighting with the Trojans
Arguing with the Greeks
Gotta win this war
Which side should I take?

[Repeat CHORUS]

BRIDGE
Now ten years have gone by, gone by
This is our last chance not to die, to die
We gonna hide in a horse, hide in a horse
Burn and pillage Troy, and rescue Helen

[Repeat CHORUS]

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Video of me singing this for extra credit, if you’re interested. Es muy bien, I promise you:

~Julia