How to Tell If You’re Too Pale

This time of year, it seems like everyone’s getting a tan. Whether from going on trips to places like Florida and the Bahamas, or just from playing sports outside, everybody seems to have a little more color on them than they did during those drab winter months when the entire population of the world looked more or less the same. But what are you to do if you’re an antisocial Youtube/Netflix-addict, reader/video game-player, insane person/college-student?

I give you: A guide to telling if you are, indeed, too pale.


Step 1: Make sure you’re not a vampire by taking a picture of yourself acting like a vampire. After taking said picture, consult the following list:

a) Do you look silly?

b) Do you not have a thousand million attractive teenagers fighting over you?

c) Do you actually freaking show up in the picture, seeing as vampires can’t? (Good job screwing THAT one up, Twilight!)


If any or all of the above are true, then good. You’re not a vampire.

Step 2: Take a picture with a window in front of you, thus showering you with a bevy of natural light. If the only two features that show up on your face are your eyes, there’s a good chance you are too pale. (Also: that whitening toothpaste must finally be doing its job.)


Step 3: Take a picture a good deal away from the window. If the majority of your skin appears to be glowing, you are probably too pale (and still not a vampire–they sparkle, remember?)


Step 4: Take a picture as far away from the window as you can. If your skin appears to be almost as white as your teeth, then you are most definitely too pale (unless, of course, that whitening toothpaste isn’t working so hot after all).

Snapshot_20130417_5This is an especially awkward selfie. I apologize.

Step 5: Angst about being too pale.


Step 6: Go read a book (preferably about pale people, so you don’t feel so alone).